How to let you go
by Xiao Yue Er
Summary: chapter 2 contains MAJOR spoilers from chapter 200... written in Kanda's POV
1. Chapter 1

a.n. I just HAD to write this out when I read chapter 199… My heart broke for Allen and this is the first time I really hated Hoshino sensei…

**Be warned** that this story contains MAJOR spoilers from chapter 199. And this is likely to be a 2-shot story..

Oh… and I dun hav a beta so pls excuse my poor usage of language.

Disclaimer: Dgrayman belongs to Hoshino Katsura. However if I did own it, Yullen will not be just fan-fiction…

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_**Allen's POV**_

Love.

A feeling that I never thought I would truly feel again after Mana died.

Yet now… Something tagged from the corner of my heart, demanding me to acknowledge it… Something that felt like that lost feeling…

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

When I opened my eyes and saw Alma's true form, I could not believe it.

Kanda had in his arms, the body which holds the soul of the person he had been seeking for the past 9 years. The person whom he had made a promise to so long ago. The person whom he had held so dearly in his heart that there was no place for another… No place for me.

But she was desperate not to let him know the truth. Desperate enough to self-destruct. Because the need to hold on to his love had overwrite all the senses in her.

I stared in shock while they exploded before my eyes. "What will happen to Kanda…?" I thought as I ran toward the brittle body of one of the strongest person I have come to know.

"Kanda who lived the past nine years knowing nothing…." I can't stop my tears from falling. It was as if I was feeling this heartbreaking pain on Kanda's behalf, a pain I knew Kanda would have felt had he known the truth. "What will happen to Kanda's feelings?"

"I can't tell him… If Yuu found out that I was _that person,_ then he would stop searching…" I stared in disbelieve as the pile of ash where Alma's body had exploded into, resuscitated itself. "The promise we made that day… as long as he was bound by the promise he made with _that person,_ he is forever hers…"

"But he is already hers forever," I thought bitterly, as more tears were shed, of my unacquainted feelings for him, "hers and yours. There had never been others and probably never will."

Alma crawled, as he search for Kanda in the wrong direction, further n further away from him. "He's the one person I didn't want to lose…!"

That, I can relate, for Kanda is someone I don't want to lose either. Despite of his harsh words and cold appearance, his care and concern for us, his friends, was the most genuine thing that we have received during this callous war. The thing that I had come to treasure the most. The thing that I had come to love.

I knew he did not return any of my feelings. He cannot, not with his heart all filled with _that person_. All he really wanted was to reunite with _her_. And all I want now is for him to have what he wants.

I picked Alma up and carried him towards Kanda."Kanda is this way…" I want to lessen Kanda's pain in any way I could and make him happy if possible… Even at the cost of myself…

"You're so nice…" Alma said before the dark matter once again tried to take possession of his body.

"This is fine… Thank you…" Alma smiled and reassured me.

NO!

I watched as the dark matter took over Alma's body intending to devour his soul, _her soul._ I know I must stop it, if not for anything, for Kanda's sake.

Then I heard it.

"Bean sprouts…"

Relieve tears threaten to spill as I halted and turn to look at the one person who will calls me by that nickname.

I looked into that beautiful dark blue eyes of his and understood what he wants. He needed help to get to Alma's side. He needed my help to get the closure with _her. _Wordlessly I wrapped my arms around him and grabbed his Mugen for him. Using the earl as a pivot, I swing us towards Alma.

"Do you remember where we went on our first mission" Kanda whispered to me.

"Yes!" I answered. "Of course I do, I'm just surprised that you did too." I thought but kept my mouth shut, surprised but happy that he had remembered.

"No one should be able to find us there." With that, Kanda left my arms and flew towards his beloved. And because I want what he wants, I'll help him.

"Kanda!" I can't resist calling out to him, to look at his face for one last time. "Lenny san told me. If anyone was capable of helping Alma, it'd be Kanda. I… feel the same." I smiled at him and sincerely prayed for his happiness.

Then it was as if my prayers were heard, Kanda smiled at me. He SMILE and called me by my name. "Thank you… Allen Walker."

I can't stop a blush from creeping up my face as I hear my name escape from his mouth for the first time ever.

And that smile… It warmed my heart. It was a smile that I never thought I would get to see. He was perfect with that smile.

"You being here helped me." With that, Kanda left my arms and flew towards his beloved while I resolved to do everything in my power to keep that smile there.

I watched as Kanda hugged Alma and told him, "Let's run away from here together. To a place where there is no innocence, no church. Together, this time…"

What I would kill for him to say those words to me… but no, those words were not for me just like his love is not mine.

I may not have his love, but he has mine. Because of that, I want him to be happy, to suffer no more. "ARK GATE!" I shouted as I create the pathway for them to escape. Watched as my love disappeared with _his_ love… and closed the gate behind them. "GATE ADARA!"

I refused to let the tears drop.

Instead I directed my energy to another area. I'm determined to keep them safe. Keep Kanda safe. Turning to the rest of the audiences around me, I announced, "I will not allow Noah or the church to get in the way any longer!"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Mana once told me that there was this saying, "if you love someone, let them go…"

I love you, Kanda. Please be happy…

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Reviews pretty pls? =)


	2. Chapter 2

**Be warned** that this story contains MAJOR spoilers from chapter 200.

As usual I dun hav a beta so pls excuse my poor usage of language.

Disclaimer: Dgrayman belongs to Hoshino Katsura. However if I did own it, Yullen will not be just fan-fiction…

* * *

_**Kanda's POV**_

(Past)

They met on the first day he arrived at the Order. He was a new recruit and she had just returned from a mission.

He was older than he is now… Already a man of 22 years old when he first learnt that he was an exorcist.

She was only 16 but the long hard years she had spent in the Order, since the mere age of 6 years old, had her soul ripened too soon.

It was not love at first sight. In fact, much like Allen and himself, they had started out on the wrong foot. The only difference was that she was the aggressor while he was the naïve dreamer.

Soon they resolved their differences, slowly they became friends and inevitably they fell for each other. But they had to keep it a secret as such attachments were frowned upon. A weakness, the Dark Order had declared. Yet it was from each other that they drew the energy and courage to carry on during the long dark times.

For 4 years they had managed to keep it a secret.

"Why does time seem to fly past so fast…" She sighed, turned and looked at him in his eyes, "when I'm with you? Why can't it stop? I want it to stop at this moment…"

With a slight tug from him, she was in his arms. Together, they stared into the surprisingly deserted lotus pond he had discovered at the end of the back forest. (1)

"You are turning 21 soon. What gift do you want?" He kissed her temporal and buried his nose into her hair, taking in her scent. "I'm leaving for a mission in Japan tomorrow for a month. I should be able to get you something exotic and be back before your birthday."

Turing in his arms, she embraced him, "You. I just want you. Please come back safe and sound…"

"Really? Just that? You do know that I'm now one of the strongest exorcist the Dark Order has to offer right? Of course I'll be fine." Smirking, he brought her chin up try to kiss her lips.

"Oh… You arrogant pig." She laughed as she danced out of his arms and closer to the pond to admire the pink blossoms.

"Te quiero, mi señora.. Esperan en casa para mí?" He said to her in his native tongue, knowing that she loved his accent. (2)

With a smile on her face, she looks up and answered him, "I will wait for you...I'll wait forever..."

A week after his departure, she was sent out for a mission too.

Neither of them was able to keep their promise…

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

(Present)

Fragments from our past life flashed under my eyelids as I hugged Alma and passed through the gate that the Moyashi had created for us.

Moyashi… Allen, I corrected myself, the kind-hearted boy who woke me from my blind rage; the soft-hearted boy who wished to help Alma and me, despite his jealousy for him, by bringing us here.

The impact of landing on the sandy ground with Alma on top of me knocked the breath out of me. For an instant I could only hug Alma tightly to me while I lay back and gasp for air.

Opening my eyes, I confirmed that Moyashi had indeed sent us to Martel as I requested. To my surprise, flickers of white flame fell around us softly like snowflakes. Holding up my hand, I caught them on my palm and watched them burn off without the heat of real fire, disappearing into thin air. The gate was collapsing before my very eyes and at that moment, Alma was not on my mind, instead I was worried for him…

"Moyashi…"

"Poor thing…" Alma whispered, bringing my focus back to him again. "I understand… Akuma, off-shoots of the Millennium Earl, can feel it…"

"Feel… it?" Even through deep down I knew what Alma was going to say next, I was unwilling to accept that as the truth. Because… Because truth hurts…

"That child is a Noah…" I stared at Alma as he continued.

"I'm an Exorcist. Killing the Akuma and Noah should have been my fate… Not loving them…" I snort at the thought of the irony of my fate. Someone up there must have really hated me…

"And I… The earl… AAAGGGGHHHH….." Alma's body went into spasm as his body continue to be devoured.

Scoping Alma back into my arms, I tried to offer him as much comfort as I could. When I still can... "Don't speak anymore"

"Yuu… Just watch… Don't use innocence… Until my soul is crushed by dark matter…"

"I know…"

"I can't forgive the organization, even now… I hate them… So much I can hardly bear it." Alma cried and clinched tighter into my embrace. "But I should sink into mud…"

"I know…" All the faces from the science section of the Asian branch 9 years ago were still crystal clear in our memoires…

"I killed… Many… Even lending my power to the earl… So much…"

"I know so I'll see you off to the very end."

"… you won't come with me this time too, right?"

Unable to bring my guilty eyes to meet his, I answered, "… Sorry Alma, I can't… There is someone here who I'm… worried about…"

"… He's a good boy… Tried to help me even though he was in so much pain himself…"

Using his last strength, Alma lifted my chin up to face him. "Yuu, promise me, no matter who you allow into your heart in the future, a part of it will always be mine… You will remember us forever…"

It was a selfish request but I nodded my head as an answer nonetheless. I have owed them too much, this life and the past. They will always hold a special place in my heart that no one else will understand… Except him…

Closing my eyes again, I held on to Alma as tightly as I could while I felt his life force slowly seep out of him. Until finally, the body in my arms became nothing but an empty shell.

"Snicker"

"Giggle"

Slowly, I looked up to the source of the strange sounds and saw _**him**_ and _**her**_. Their backs were facing me as they walked hand in hand away from me. Watching their ghostly figure going further and further away from me, I felt an intense sorrow… For a moment I wanted to run up to them… Beg them to take me with them… Away from this pain…

Then a swamp of lotus illusion came in between us, as if warning me to keep my distance from them… For I have already rejected them for another…

"I love you, Yuu." I heard _**her**_ said, "Go to him as you wish. You are my love; regardless of what I've done, I really do wish for your happiness… Just… Just don't forget me please…"

The tears that had been stringing in my eyes finally fell. Whether they were from the sorrow of their departure or the relief from their blessing, I do not know. But I do know that I love them… Loved them…

"Yeah…"

With that they disappeared into the middle of the lotus lake leaving me behind, alone with Alma's empty shell. Then everything went black.

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I have no idea, when I woke up, how much time had passed since then. It could have been hours or days even. The shell of Alma's remains had become nothing more than a pile of dust gathering around my feet.

Standing up, I flexed my limb to determine the state of my body. I concluded that I was only about 70% healed but that should be enough, to go back to him. Due to the intense damage that I have suffered, I suspect that it will take much longer than usual for my body to regenerate fully.

Looking up at where the gate was before it collapsed and cursed.

"Baka Moyashi, how am I suppose to go back to you now?" My frown gave way to a small smile when I recalled that he had only said goodbye to Alma and not to me. "You better still be alive when I reach you. If not I'll kill you!"

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

If you love someone, let them go… They will come back if they are yours…

I love you too, Allen. Please, wait for me …

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1) I know the dark order's HQ was on top of a cliff but they can move right? So I was thinking before this HQ they were in another place... on flat ground all the way… okie?

2) That would mean something like "I love you, my lady… wait at home for me?" in Spanish. Used google translate for that cos I actually have no knowledge of that language. Just wanted Kanda to be of a different nationality in his past life…

Good or bad? Reviews pretty pls? =)


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